Part 3 Book 4 Chapter 6 Res Angusta
That evening left Marius profoundly shaken, and with a melancholy shadow in his soul. He felt what the earth may possibly feel, at the moment when it is torn open with the iron, in order that grain may be deposited within it; it feels only the wound; the quiver of the germ and the joy of the fruit only arrive later.
Marius was gloomy. He had but just acquired a faith; must he then reject it already? He affirmed to himself that he would not. He declared to himself that he would not doubt, and he began to doubt in spite of himself. To stand between two religions, from one of which you have not as yet emerged, and another into which you have not yet entered, is intolerable; and twilight is pleasing only to bat-like souls. Marius was clear-eyed, and he required the true light. The half-lights of doubt pained him. Whatever may have been his desire to remain where he was, he could not halt there, he was irresistibly constrained to continue, to advance, to examine, to think, to march further. Whither would this lead him? He feared, after having taken so many steps which had brought him nearer to his father, to now take a step which should estrange him from that father. His discomfort was augmented by all the reflections which occurred to him. An escarpment rose around him. He was in accord neither with his grandfather nor with his friends; daring in the eyes of the one, he was behind the times in the eyes of the others, and he recognized the fact that he was doubly isolated, on the side of age and on the side of youth. He ceased to go to the Cafe Musain.
In the troubled state of his conscience, he no longer thought of certain serious sides of existence. The realities of life do not allow themselves to be forgotten. They soon elbowed him abruptly.
One morning, the proprietor of the hotel entered Marius' room and said to him:--
"Monsieur Courfeyrac answered for you."
"Yes."
"But I must have my money."
"Request Courfeyrac to come and talk with me," said Marius.
Courfeyrac having made his appearance, the host left them. Marius then told him what it had not before occurred to him to relate, that he was the same as alone in the world, and had no relatives.
"What is to become of you?" said Courfeyrac.
"I do not know in the least," replied Marius.
"What are you going to do?"
"I do not know."
"Have you any money?"
"Fifteen francs."
"Do you want me to lend you some?"
"Never."
"Have you clothes?"
"Here is what I have."
"Have you trinkets?"
"A watch."
"Silver?"
"Gold; here it is."
"I know a clothes-dealer who will take your frock-coat and a pair of trousers."
"That is good."
"You will then have only a pair of trousers, a waistcoat, a hat and a coat."
"And my boots."
"What! you will not go barefoot? What opulence!"
"That will be enough."
"I know a watchmaker who will buy your watch."
"That is good."
"No; it is not good. What will you do after that?"
"Whatever is necessary. Anything honest, that is to say."
"Do you know English?"
"No."
"Do you know German?"
"No."
"So much the worse."
"Why?"
"Because one of my friends, a publisher, is getting up a sort of an encyclopaedia, for which you might have translated English or German articles. It is badly paid work, but one can live by it."
"I will learn English and German."
"And in the meanwhile?"
"In the meanwhile I will live on my clothes and my watch."
The clothes-dealer was sent for. He paid twenty francs for the cast-off garments. They went to the watchmaker's. He bought the watch for forty-five francs.
"That is not bad," said Marius to Courfeyrac, on their return to the hotel, "with my fifteen francs, that makes eighty."
"And the hotel bill?" observed Courfeyrac.
"Hello, I had forgotten that," said Marius.
The landlord presented his bill, which had to be paid on the spot. It amounted to seventy francs.
"I have ten francs left," said Marius.
"The deuce," exclaimed Courfeyrac, "you will eat up five francs while you are learning English, and five while learning German. That will be swallowing a tongue very fast, or a hundred sous very slowly."
In the meantime Aunt Gillenormand, a rather good-hearted person at bottom in difficulties, had finally hunted up Marius' abode.
One morning, on his return from the law-school, Marius found a letter from his aunt, and the sixty pistoles, that is to say, six hundred francs in gold, in a sealed box.
Marius sent back the thirty louis to his aunt, with a respectful letter, in which he stated that he had sufficient means of subsistence and that he should be able thenceforth to supply all his needs. At that moment, he had three francs left.
His aunt did not inform his grandfather of this refusal for fear of exasperating him. Besides, had he not said: "Let me never hear the name of that blood-drinker again!"
Marius left the hotel de la Porte Saint-Jacques, as he did not wish to run in debt there.
这晚的聚谈使马吕斯深深受了震动，并在他的心中留下了愁人的黑影。他的感受也许象土地在被人用铁器扒开，放下一颗麦粒时那样，它只感到所受的伤，种子的震颤和结实的欢乐要到日后才会到来。
马吕斯是沉郁的。他为自己建立起一种信念，那还是不久以前的事，难道就该抛弃了吗？他对自己肯定地说不能。他对自己说他是不愿意怀疑的，可是他已不自主地开始怀疑了。处于两种信仰中，一种还没有走出，一种还没有进入，这是叫人受不了的，这样的黄昏只能使象蝙蝠似的人喜悦。马吕斯是个心明眼亮的人，他非见到真正的晴光不可，疑信之间的那种半明不暗的光使他痛苦。无论他是怎样要求自己停在原处并在那里坚持，他仍无可奈何地被迫继续前进，研究，思考，走得更远一些。这股力量将把他带到什么地方去呢？他走了那么多的路，才靠近，了他的父亲，现在想到也许又要离开他，便不免有些惶惑起来。来到他心头的思绪越多，他的苦闷也越沉重。他感到危崖险道已在他的四周显现出来。他既不同意他的外祖父，也不同意他的朋友们，对于前者他是心雄气壮的，对于后者却落后了，他承认自己在老辈一边或在青年一边都是孤立的。他不再去缪尚咖啡馆了。
在这心绪紊乱时，他几乎没有再去想人生中某些重要方面。生活的现实却是不肯让人忽视的。它突然来到他跟前，打了个照面。
一天早晨，那旅店老板走进马吕斯的房间，对他说：
“古费拉克先生说过他负责你的事？”
“是的。”
“但是我得有钱才行。”
“请古费拉克来跟我谈吧。”马吕斯说。
古费拉克来了，老板离开了他们。马吕斯把自己还没有想到要告诉他的种种全和他谈了，说他在这世界上可说是孑然一身，无亲无故。
“您打算怎么办呢？”古费拉克说。
“我一点也不知道。”马吕斯回答。
“您想干些什么？”
“我一点也不知道。”
“您有钱吗？”
“十五法郎。”
“要我借点给您吗？”
“绝对不要。”
“您有衣服吗？”
“就这些。”
“您有些值钱的东西吗？”
“有只表。”
“银的？”
“金的。就是这个。”
“我认识一个服装商人，他能收买您这件骑马服和一条长裤。”
“好的。”
“您只剩下一条长裤，一件背心，一顶帽子和一件短上衣了。”
“还有这双靴子。”
“怎么！您不光着脚走路？多有钱啊！”
“这样已经够了。”
“我认识一个钟表商，他会买您的表。”
“好的。”
“不，不见得好。您以后怎么办呢？”
“得怎么办，就怎么办。只要是诚诚实实的，至少。”
“您懂英语吗？”
“不懂。”
“您懂德语吗？”
“不懂。”
“那就不用谈了。”
“为什么？”
“因为我有个朋友，开书店的，正在编一种百科词典，您有能力的话，可以为它翻译一些德语或英语的资料。报酬少，但也够活命的。”
“我来学英语和德语就是。”
“学的时候怎么办呢？”
“学的时候，我吃我这衣服和表。”
他们把那服装商人找来。他出二十法郎买了那身短命衣。他们到那钟表商的店里，他买进那只表，付了四十五法郎。“这不坏，”在回旅馆时马吕斯对古费拉克说，“加上我那十五法郎，这就有八十法郎了。”
“还有这旅馆的账单呢？”古费拉克提醒他。
“呃，我早忘了。”马吕斯说。
马吕斯立刻照付了旅店老板的账单，总共七十法郎。
“我只剩十法郎了。”马吕斯说。
“见鬼，”古费拉克说，“您得在学英语时吃五个法郎，学德语时吃五个法郎。那就是说，您啃书得赶快，啃那值一百个苏的银币得尽量慢。”
正在这时，吉诺曼姑奶奶棗她其实是个见到别人困难心肠就软的人棗终于找到了马吕斯的住处。一天上午，马吕斯从学校回来，发现他大姨的一封信和六十个皮斯托尔，就是说六百金法郎封在一个匣子里。
马吕斯把这笔钱如数退还给他大姨，并附上一封措词恭顺的信，信里说，他有办法谋生，今后已能满足自己的一切需要。而在当时他只剩三个法郎了。
关于这次拒绝，那位姑奶奶一点也没在他外祖父跟前提起，怕他听了更加冒火。况且他早已说过：“永远不许再向我提到这吸血鬼！”
马吕斯从圣雅克门旅馆搬了出来，不愿在那里负债。