Part 1 Book 3 Chapter 7 The Wisdom of Tholomyes
In the meantime, while some sang, the rest talked together tumultuously all at once; it was no longer anything but noise. Tholomyes intervened.
"Let us not talk at random nor too fast," he exclaimed. "Let us reflect, if we wish to be brilliant. Too much improvisation empties the mind in a stupid way. Running beer gathers no froth. No haste, gentlemen. Let us mingle majesty with the feast. Let us eat with meditation; let us make haste slowly. Let us not hurry. Consider the springtime; if it makes haste, it is done for; that is to say, it gets frozen. Excess of zeal ruins peach-trees and apricot-trees. Excess of zeal kills the grace and the mirth of good dinners. No zeal, gentlemen! Grimod de la Reyniere agrees with Talleyrand."
A hollow sound of rebellion rumbled through the group.
"Leave us in peace, Tholomyes," said Blachevelle.
"Down with the tyrant!" said Fameuil.
"Bombarda, Bombance, and Bambochel!" cried Listolier.
"Sunday exists," resumed Fameuil.
"We are sober," added Listolier.
"Tholomyes," remarked Blachevelle, "contemplate my calmness [mon calme]."
"You are the Marquis of that," retorted Tholomyes.
This mediocre play upon words produced the effect of a stone in a pool. The Marquis de Montcalm was at that time a celebrated royalist. All the frogs held their peace.
"Friends," cried Tholomyes, with the accent of a man who had recovered his empire, "Come to yourselves. This pun which has fallen from the skies must not be received with too much stupor. Everything which falls in that way is not necessarily worthy of enthusiasm and respect. The pun is the dung of the mind which soars. The jest falls, no matter where; and the mind after producing a piece of stupidity plunges into the azure depths. A whitish speck flattened against the rock does not prevent the condor from soaring aloft. Far be it from me to insult the pun! I honor it in proportion to its merits; nothing more. All the most august, the most sublime, the most charming of humanity, and perhaps outside of humanity, have made puns. Jesus Christ made a pun on St. Peter, Moses on Isaac, AEschylus on Polynices, Cleopatra on Octavius. And observe that Cleopatra's pun preceded the battle of Actium, and that had it not been for it, no one would have remembered the city of Toryne, a Greek name which signifies a ladle. That once conceded, I return to my exhortation. I repeat, brothers, I repeat, no zeal, no hubbub, no excess; even in witticisms, gayety, jollities, or plays on words. Listen to me. I have the prudence of Amphiaraus and the baldness of Caesar. There must be a limit, even to rebuses. Est modus in rebus.
"There must be a limit, even to dinners. You are fond of apple turnovers, ladies; do not indulge in them to excess. Even in the matter of turnovers, good sense and art are requisite. Gluttony chastises the glutton, Gula punit Gulax. Indigestion is charged by the good God with preaching morality to stomachs. And remember this: each one of our passions, even love, has a stomach which must not be filled too full. In all things the word finis must be written in good season; self-control must be exercised when the matter becomes urgent; the bolt must be drawn on appetite; one must set one's own fantasy to the violin, and carry one's self to the post. The sage is the man who knows how, at a given moment, to effect his own arrest. Have some confidence in me, for I have succeeded to some extent in my study of the law, according to the verdict of my examinations, for I know the difference between the question put and the question pending, for I have sustained a thesis in Latin upon the manner in which torture was administered at Rome at the epoch when Munatius Demens was quaestor of the Parricide; because I am going to be a doctor, apparently it does not follow that it is absolutely necessary that I should be an imbecile. I recommend you to moderation in your desires. It is true that my name is Felix Tholomyes; I speak well. Happy is he who, when the hour strikes, takes a heroic resolve, and abdicates like Sylla or Origenes."
Favourite listened with profound attention.
"Felix," said she, "what a pretty word! I love that name. It is Latin; it means prosper."
Tholomyes went on:--
"Quirites, gentlemen, caballeros, my friends. Do you wish never to feel the prick, to do without the nuptial bed, and to brave love? Nothing more simple. Here is the receipt: lemonade, excessive exercise, hard labor; work yourself to death, drag blocks, sleep not, hold vigil, gorge yourself with nitrous beverages, and potions of nymphaeas; drink emulsions of poppies and agnus castus; season this with a strict diet, starve yourself, and add thereto cold baths, girdles of herbs, the application of a plate of lead, lotions made with the subacetate of lead, and fomentations of oxycrat."
"I prefer a woman," said Listolier.
"Woman," resumed Tholomyes; "distrust her. Woe to him who yields himself to the unstable heart of woman! Woman is perfidious and disingenuous. She detests the serpent from professional jealousy. The serpent is the shop over the way."
"Tholomyes!" cried Blachevelle, "you are drunk!"
"Pardieu," said Tholomyes.
"Then be gay," resumed Blachevelle.
"I agree to that," responded Tholomyes.
And, refilling his glass, he rose.
"Glory to wine! Nunc te, Bacche, canam! Pardon me ladies; that is Spanish. And the proof of it, senoras, is this: like people, like cask. The arrobe of Castile contains sixteen litres; the cantaro of Alicante, twelve; the almude of the Canaries, twenty-five; the cuartin of the Balearic Isles, twenty-six; the boot of Tzar Peter, thirty. Long live that Tzar who was great, and long live his boot, which was still greater! Ladies, take the advice of a friend; make a mistake in your neighbor if you see fit. The property of love is to err. A love affair is not made to crouch down and brutalize itself like an English serving-maid who has callouses on her knees from scrubbing. It is not made for that; it errs gayly, our gentle love. It has been said, error is human; I say, error is love. Ladies, I idolize you all. O Zephine, O Josephine, face more than irregular, you would be charming were you not all askew. You have the air of a pretty face upon which some one has sat down by mistake. As for Favourite, O nymphs and muses! one day when Blachevelle was crossing the gutter in the Rue Guerin-Boisseau, he espied a beautiful girl with white stockings well drawn up, which displayed her legs. This prologue pleased him, and Blachevelle fell in love. The one he loved was Favourite. O Favourite, thou hast Ionian lips. There was a Greek painter named Euphorion, who was surnamed the painter of the lips. That Greek alone would have been worthy to paint thy mouth. Listen! before thee, there was never a creature worthy of the name. Thou wert made to receive the apple like Venus, or to eat it like Eve; beauty begins with thee. I have just referred to Eve; it is thou who hast created her. Thou deservest the letters-patent of the beautiful woman. O Favourite, I cease to address you as `thou,' because I pass from poetry to prose. You were speaking of my name a little while ago. That touched me; but let us, whoever we may be, distrust names. They may delude us. I am called Felix, and I am not happy. Words are liars. Let us not blindly accept the indications which they afford us. It would be a mistake to write to Liege[2] for corks, and to Pau for gloves. Miss Dahlia, were I in your place, I would call myself Rosa. A flower should smell sweet, and woman should have wit. I say nothing of Fantine; she is a dreamer, a musing, thoughtful, pensive person; she is a phantom possessed of the form of a nymph and the modesty of a nun, who has strayed into the life of a grisette, but who takes refuge in illusions, and who sings and prays and gazes into the azure without very well knowing what she sees or what she is doing, and who, with her eyes fixed on heaven, wanders in a garden where there are more birds than are in existence. O Fantine, know this: I, Tholomyes, I am all illusion; but she does not even hear me, that blond maid of Chimeras! as for the rest, everything about her is freshness, suavity, youth, sweet morning light. O Fantine, maid worthy of being called Marguerite or Pearl, you are a woman from the beauteous Orient. Ladies, a second piece of advice: do not marry; marriage is a graft; it takes well or ill; avoid that risk. But bah! what am I saying? I am wasting my words. Girls are incurable on the subject of marriage, and all that we wise men can say will not prevent the waistcoat-makers and the shoe-stitchers from dreaming of husbands studded with diamonds. Well, so be it; but, my beauties, remember this, you eat too much sugar. You have but one fault, O woman, and that is nibbling sugar. O nibbling sex, your pretty little white teeth adore sugar. Now, heed me well, sugar is a salt. All salts are withering. Sugar is the most desiccating of all salts; it sucks the liquids of the blood through the veins; hence the coagulation, and then the solidification of the blood; hence tubercles in the lungs, hence death. That is why diabetes borders on consumption. Then, do not crunch sugar, and you will live. I turn to the men: gentlemen, make conquest, rob each other of your well-beloved without remorse. Chassez across. In love there are no friends. Everywhere where there is a pretty woman hostility is open. No quarter, war to the death! a pretty woman is a casus belli; a pretty woman is flagrant misdemeanor. All the invasions of history have been determined by petticoats. Woman is man's right. Romulus carried off the Sabines; William carried off the Saxon women; Caesar carried off the Roman women. The man who is not loved soars like a vulture over the mistresses of other men; and for my own part, to all those unfortunate men who are widowers, I throw the sublime proclamation of Bonaparte to the army of Italy: "Soldiers, you are in need of everything; the enemy has it."
[2] Liege: a cork-tree. Pau: a jest on peau, skin.
Tholomyes paused.
"Take breath, Tholomyes," said Blachevelle.
At the same moment Blachevelle, supported by Listolier and Fameuil, struck up to a plaintive air, one of those studio songs composed of the first words which come to hand, rhymed richly and not at all, as destitute of sense as the gesture of the tree and the sound of the wind, which have their birth in the vapor of pipes, and are dissipated and take their flight with them. This is the couplet by which the group replied to Tholomyes' harangue:--
"The father turkey-cocks so grave Some money to an agent gave, That master good Clermont-Tonnerre Might be made pope on Saint Johns' day fair. But this good Clermont could not be Made pope, because no priest was he; And then their agent, whose wrath burned, With all their money back returned."
This was not calculated to calm Tholomyes' improvisation; he emptied his glass, filled, refilled it, and began again:--
"Down with wisdom! Forget all that I have said. Let us be neither prudes nor prudent men nor prudhommes. I propose a toast to mirth; be merry. Let us complete our course of law by folly and eating! Indigestion and the digest. Let Justinian be the male, and Feasting, the female! Joy in the depths! Live, O creation! The world is a great diamond. I am happy. The birds are astonishing. What a festival everywhere! The nightingale is a gratuitous Elleviou. Summer, I salute thee! O Luxembourg! O Georgics of the Rue Madame, and of the Allee de l'Observatoire! O pensive infantry soldiers! O all those charming nurses who, while they guard the children, amuse themselves! The pampas of America would please me if I had not the arcades of the Odeon. My soul flits away into the virgin forests and to the savannas. All is beautiful. The flies buzz in the sun. The sun has sneezed out the humming bird. Embrace me, Fantine!"
He made a mistake and embraced Favourite.
这时，有几个人唱着歌，其余的人都谈着话，稀里哗啦，也不分个先后，到处只有一片乱嘈嘈的声音。多罗米埃开口了：“我们不应当胡说八道，也不应当说得太快，”他大声说，“让我们想想，我们是不是想要卖弄自己的口才。过分地信口开河只能浪费精力，再傻也没有了。流着的啤酒堆不起泡沫。先生们，不可性急。我们吃喝，也得有吃喝的气派。让我们细心地吃，慢慢地喝。我们不必赶快。你们看春天吧，如果它来得太快，它就烧起来了，就是说，一切植物都不能发芽了。过分的热可以损害桃花和杏花。过分的热也可以消灭盛宴的雅兴和欢乐。先生们，心不可热！拉雷尼埃尔①和塔列朗的意见都是这样。”
一阵震耳欲聋的反抗声从那堆人里发出来。
“多罗米埃，不要闹！”勃拉什维尔说。
‘打倒专制魔王！”法梅依说。
“蓬巴达②！蓬彭斯③！彭博什④！”
“星期日还没完呢。”法梅依又说。
“我们并没有乱来。”李士多里说。
“多罗米埃，”勃拉什维尔说，“请注意我的安静态度。”
“在这方面，你算得是侯爷。”
这句小小的隐语竟好象是一块丢在池塘里的石头。安静山⑤侯爵是当时一个大名鼎鼎的保王党。蛙群全没声息了。
①拉雷尼埃尔（GrimoddelaReynière），巴黎的烹调专家，著有食谱。
②蓬巴达（Bombarda），酒家。
③蓬彭斯（Bombance），盛筵。
④彭博什（Bambocbhe），荷兰画家。
⑤“安静山”（Montcalm）和上面勃拉什维尔所说的“我的安静”（moncalme）同音。
“朋友们，”多罗米埃以一个重获首领地位的人的口吻大声说，“安静下来。见了这种天上落下来的玩笑也不必太慌张。凡是这样落下来的东西，不一定是值得兴奋和敬佩的。隐语是飞着的精灵所遗的粪。笑话四处都有，精灵在说笑一通之后，又飞上天去了。神鹰遗了一堆白色的秽物在岩石上，仍旧翱翔自如。我毫不亵渎隐语。我仅就它价值的高下，寄以相当的敬意罢了。人类中，也许是人类以外，最尊严、最卓越和最可亲的人都说过隐语。耶稣基督说过一句有关圣彼得的隐语。摩西在谈到以撒、埃斯库罗斯、波吕尼刻斯时，克娄巴特拉在谈到屋大维时也都使用过隐语。还要请你们注意，克娄巴特拉的隐语是在亚克兴①战争以前说的，假使没有它，也就不会有人记得多临城，多临在希腊语中只是一个勺而已。这件事交代以后，我再回头来说我的劝告词。我的弟兄们，我再说一遍，即使是在说俏皮话、诙谐、笑谑和隐语时，也不可过于热心，不可嚣张，不可过分。诸位听我讲，我有安菲阿拉俄斯②的谨慎和恺撒的秃顶。即使是猜谜语，也应当有限度。这就是拉丁话所谓的Estmodusinrebus。即使是饮食，也应当有节制。
①亚克兴（Actium），公元前三一年罗马舰队在屋大维率领下，击败叛将安敦尼于此，埃及王后克娄巴特拉死之。
②安菲阿拉俄斯（AmphiararauBs），攻打底比斯的七英雄之一，是著名的先知。
女士们，你们喜欢苹果饺，可不要吃得太多了。就是吃饺，也应当有限度和有艺术手法。贪多嚼不烂，好比蛇吞象。胃病总是由于贪吃。疳积病是上帝派来教育胃的。并且你们应当记住这一点：我们的每一种欲念，甚至包括爱情在内，也都有胃口，不可太饱。在任何事情上，都应当在适当的时候写上‘终’字；在紧急的时候，我们应当自行约束，推上食量的门闩，囚禁自己的妄念，并且自请处罚。知道在适当的时候自动管制自己的人就是聪明人。对于我，你们不妨多少有点信心，因为我学过一点法律，我的考试成绩可以证明，因为我知道存案和悬案间的差别，因为我用拉丁文做过一篇论文，论《缪纳修斯·德门任弑君者的度支官时期的罗马刑法》，因为我快做博士了，照说，从此以后，我就一定不会是个蠢才了。我劝告你们，应当节欲。我说的是好话，真实可靠到和我叫斐利克斯·多罗米埃一样。时机一到，就下定决心，象西拉①或奥利金②那样，毅然引退，那样才真是快乐的人。”
宠儿聚精会神地听着。
“斐利克斯！”她说，“这是个多么漂亮的名字！我爱这个名字。这是拉丁文，作‘兴盛’解释。”
多罗米埃接下去说：
“公民们，先生们，少爷们③，朋友们！你们要摒绝床第之事，放弃儿女之情而毫不冲动吗？再简单也没有。这就是药方：柠檬水，过度的体操，强迫劳动，疲劳，拖重东西，不睡觉，守夜，多饮含硝质的饮料和白荷花汤，尝莺粟油和马鞭草油，厉行节食，饿肚子，继之以冷水浴，使用草索束身，佩带铅块，用醋酸铅擦身，用醋汤作热敷。”
①西拉（Sylla），即苏拉（Sulla），公元前一世纪罗马的独裁者。
②奥利金（Origène，约前185-254），基督教神学家。
③这三种称呼，原文用的是拉丁文、英文和西班牙文：guirites，gentlemen，caballeros。
“我宁愿请教女人。”李士多里说。
“女人！”多罗米埃说，“你们得小心。女人杨花水性，信赖她们，那真是自讨苦吃。女人是邪淫寡信的。她们恨蛇，那只是出于同业的妒嫉心。蛇和女人是对门住的。”
“多罗米埃！”勃拉什维尔喊着说，“你喝醉了！”
“可不是！”多罗米埃说。
“那么，你乐一乐吧。”勃拉什维尔又说。
“我同意。”多罗米埃回答。
于是，一面斟满酒，一面立起来：
“光荣属于美酒！现在，酒神，请喝！①对不起，诸位小姐，这是西班牙文。证据呢，女士们，就是这样。怎样的民族就有怎样的酒桶。卡斯蒂利亚②的亚洛伯，盛十六公升，阿利坎特的康达罗十二公升，加那利群岛的亚尔缪德二十五公升，巴科阿里③群岛的苦亚丹二十六公升，沙皇彼得的普特三十公升。伟大的彼得万岁，他那更伟大的普特万万岁。诸位女士们，请让我以朋友资格奉劝一句话：你们应当随心所欲，广结良缘。爱情的本质就是乱撞。爱神不需要象一个膝盖上擦起疙瘩的英国女仆那样死死蹲在一个地方。那位温柔的爱神生来并不是这样的，它嘻嘻哈哈四处乱撞，别人说过，撞错总也还是人情；我说，撞错总也还是爱情。诸位女士，我崇拜你们中的每一位。呵瑟芬，呵，约瑟芬，俏皮娘儿，假使你不那样撅着嘴，你就更迷人了。你那神气好象是被谁在你脸上无意中坐了一下子似的。至于宠儿，呵，山林中的仙女和缪斯！勃拉什维尔一天走过格雷－巴梭街的小溪边，看见一个美貌姑娘，露着腿，穿着一双白袜，拉得紧紧的。这个样子合了他的意，于是勃拉什维尔着迷了。他爱的那个人儿便是宠儿。呵，宠儿！你有爱奥尼亚人的嘴唇。从前有个希腊画家叫欧风里翁，别人给了他个别号，叫嘴唇画家。只有那个希腊人才配画你的嘴唇。听我说！在你以前，没有一个人是够得上他一画的。你和美神一样是为得苹果而生的，或者说，和夏娃一样，是为吃苹果而生的。美是由你开始的。我刚才提到了夏娃，夏娃是你创造出来的。你有资格获得‘发明美女’的证书。呵，宠儿，我不再称您为你了。因为我要由诗歌转入散文了。刚才您谈到我的名字，您打动了我的心弦，但是无论我们是什么人，对于名字，总不宜轻信。名不一定副实。我叫做斐利克斯，但是我并不快乐。字是骗人的。我们不要盲目接受它的含义。写信到列日④去买软木塞，到波城⑤去买皮手套，那才荒唐呢。密斯⑥大丽，我如果是您的话，我就要叫做玫瑰，花应当有香味，女子应当有智慧。至于芳汀，我不打算说什么，她是一个多幻象、多梦想、多思虑、多感触的人，一个具有仙女的体态和信女的贞洁的小精灵；她失足在风流女郎的队伍里，又要在幻想中藏身，她唱歌，却又祈祷又望着天空，但又不大知道她所望的是什么，也不大知道她所作的究竟是什么，她望着天空，自以为生活在大花园里，以为到处是花和鸟，而实际上花和鸟并不多。呵，芳汀，您应当知道这一点：我，多罗米埃，我只是一种幻象，但是这位心思缥渺的黄发女郎，她并没有听见我说话！然而她有的全是光艳、趣味、青春、柔美的晨曦。呵，芳汀，您是一个值得称为白菊或明珠的姑娘，您是一个满身珠光宝气的妇女。诸位女士，还有第二个忠告：你们决不要嫁人，结婚犹如接木，效果好坏，不一定，你们不必自寻苦吃。但是，哎呀！我在这里胡说些什么？我失言了。姑娘们在配偶问题上是不可救药的。我们这些明眼人所能说的一切绝不足以防止那些做背心、做鞋子的姑娘们去梦想那些金玉满堂的良人。不管它，就是这样吧，但是，美人们，请记牢这一点：你们的糖，吃得太多了。呵，妇女们，你们只有一个错误：就是好嚼糖。呵，啮齿类的女性，你的皓齿多爱糖呵。那么，好好地听我讲、糖是一种盐。一切盐都吸收水分。糖在各种盐里有着最富于吸收水分的能力。它通过血管，把血液里的水分提出来，于是血液凝结，由凝结而凝固，而得肺结核，而死亡。因此，糖尿病常和痨病并发。因此，你们不要嚼糖就长寿了！现在我转到男子方面来。先生们，多多霸占妇女。在你们彼此之间不妨毫无顾忌地互相霸占爱人。猎艳，乱交，情场中无所谓朋友。凡是有一个漂亮女子的地方，争夺总是公开的；无分区域，大家杀个你死我活！一个漂亮女子便是一场战争的缘因，一个漂亮女子便是一场明目张胆的盗窃。历来一切的劫掠都是在亵衣上发动的。罗慕洛掳过萨宾妇人⑦，威廉掳过萨克森妇人，恺撒掳过罗马妇人。没有女子爱着的男子，总好象饿鹰那样，在别人的情妇头上翱翔。至于我，我向一切没有家室的可怜虫介绍波拿巴的《告意大利大军书》：‘兵士们，你们什么也没有。敌人却有。’”
①“现在，酒神，请喝！”原文为西班牙文Nuncte，Bacche，canam！
②卡斯蒂利亚（Castille），在西班牙中部，十一世纪时成立王国，十五世纪时和其他几个小王国合并成为西班牙王国。
③巴利阿里群岛（Baléares），在地中海西端，属西班牙。
④列日（Liège），比利时城名，和“软木”（Lège）同音。
⑤波城（Pau），法国城名，和“皮”（Peau）同音。
⑥密斯（miss），英语，意为“小姐”。
⑦罗慕洛（Romulus，约生于460年），西罗马帝国的最后一个皇帝（475-476）。萨宾，意大利古国名。
多罗米埃的话中断了。
“喘口气吧，多罗米埃。”勃拉什维尔说。
同时，勃拉什维尔开始唱一支悲伤的歌，李士多里和法梅依随声和着，那种歌是用从车间里信手拈来的歌词编的，音韵似乎很丰富，其实完全没有音韵；意义空虚，有如风声树影，是从烟斗的雾气中产生出来的，因此也就和雾气一同飘散消失。
下面便是那群人答复多罗米埃的演说词的一节：
几个荒唐老头子，
拿些银子交给狗腿子，
要教克雷蒙－东纳①先生，
圣约翰节坐上教皇的位子，
克雷蒙－东纳先生不能当教皇，
原来他不是教士，
狗腿子气冲冲，
送还他们的银子。
①克雷蒙－东纳（ClemontCTonnerre），法国多菲内地区一大家族，其中最著名者一是红衣主教，一是伯爵。
那种歌并不能平息多罗米埃的随机应变的口才。他干了杯，再斟上一杯，又说起话来。
“打倒圣人！我说的话，你们全不必放在心上。我们不要清规戒律，不要束手束脚，不要谨小慎微。我要为欢乐浮一大白，让我们狂欢吧！让我们拿放荡和酒肉来补足我们的法律课。吃喝，消化。让查士丁尼①作雄的，让酒囊饭装作雌的。喜气弥漫穹苍呵！造物主！祝你长生！地球是一颗大金刚钻！我快乐。雀鸟真够劲，遍地都是盛会！黄莺儿是一个任人欣赏的艾勒维奥②。夏日，我向你致敬。呵，卢森堡，呵，夫人街和天文台路的竹枝词！呵，神魂颠倒的丘八！呵，那些看守孩子又拿孩子寻开心的漂亮女用人。如果我没有奥德翁③的长廊，我也许会喜欢美洲的草原吧。我的灵魂飞向森林中的处女地和广漠的平原。一切都是美的。青蝇在日光中营营飞舞。太阳打喷嚏打出了蜂雀。吻我吧，芳汀。”
他弄错了，吻了宠儿。
①查士丁尼（Justinien，483-565），拜占庭皇帝，编有《法家言类纂》
（digeste）书名与“消化”（digestion）近似。
②艾勒维奥（Elleviou），当时法国的一个著名歌唱家。
③奥德翁（Odéon），指奥德翁戏院，一七九七年成立。