Part 1 Chapter 4
MISSY.
When Nekhludoff had finished his coffee, he went to his study to look at the summons, and find out what time he was to appear at the court, before writing his answer to the princess. Passing through his studio, where a few studies hung on the walls and, facing the easel, stood an unfinished picture, a feeling of inability to advance in art, a sense of his incapacity, came over him. He had often had this feeling, of late, and explained it by his too finely-developed aesthetic taste; still, the feeling was a very unpleasant one. Seven years before this he had given up military service, feeling sure that he had a talent for art, and had looked down with some disdain at all other activity from the height of his artistic standpoint. And now it turned out that he had no right to do so, and therefore everything that reminded him of all this was unpleasant. He looked at the luxurious fittings of the studio with a heavy heart, and it was in no cheerful mood that he entered his study, a large, lofty room fitted up with a view to comfort, convenience, and elegant appearance. He found the summons at once in a pigeon hole, labelled "immediate," of his large writing table. He had to appear at the court at 11 o'clock.
Nekhludoff sat down to write a note in reply to the princess, thanking her for the invitation, and promising to try and come to dinner. Having written one note, he tore it up, as it seemed too intimate. He wrote another, but it was too cold; he feared it might give offence, so he tore it up, too. He pressed the button of an electric bell, and his servant, an elderly, morose-looking man, with whiskers and shaved chin and lip, wearing a grey cotton apron, entered at the door.
"Send to fetch an isvostchik, please."
"Yes, sir."
"And tell the person who is waiting that I send thanks for the invitation, and shall try to come."
"Yes, sir."
"It is not very polite, but I can't write; no matter, I shall see her today," thought Nekhludoff, and went to get his overcoat.
When he came out of the house, an isvostchik he knew, with india-rubber tires to his trap, was at the door waiting for him. "You had hardly gone away from Prince Korchagin's yesterday," he said, turning half round, "when I drove up, and the Swiss at the door says, 'just gone.'" The isvostchik knew that Nekhludoff visited at the Korchagins, and called there on the chance of being engaged by him.
"Even the isvostchiks know of my relations with the Korchagins," thought Nekhludoff, and again the question whether he should not marry Princess Korchagin presented itself to him, and he could not decide it either way, any more than most of the questions that arose in his mind at this time.
It was in favour of marriage in general, that besides the comforts of hearth and home, it made a moral life possible, and chiefly that a family would, so Nekhludoff thought, give an aim to his now empty life.
Against marriage in general was the fear, common to bachelors past their first youth, of losing freedom, and an unconscious awe before this mysterious creature, a woman.
In this particular case, in favour of marrying Missy (her name was Mary, but, as is usual among a certain set, a nickname had been given her) was that she came of good family, and differed in everything, manner of speaking, walking, laughing, from the common people, not by anything exceptional, but by her "good breeding"--he could find no other term for this quality, though he prized it very highly---and, besides, she thought more of him than of anybody else, therefore evidently understood him. This understanding of him, i.e., the recognition of his superior merits, was to Nekhludoff a proof of her good sense and correct judgment. Against marrying Missy in particular, was, that in all likelihood, a girl with even higher qualities could be found, that she was already 27, and that he was hardly her first love. This last idea was painful to him. His pride would not reconcile itself with the thought that she had loved some one else, even in the past. Of course, she could not have known that she should meet him, but the thought that she was capable of loving another offended him. So that he had as many reasons for marrying as against it; at any rate, they weighed equally with Nekhludoff, who laughed at himself, and called himself the ass of the fable, remaining like that animal undecided which haycock to turn to.
"At any rate, before I get an answer from Mary Vasilievna (the marechal's wife), and finish completely with her, I can do nothing," he said to himself. And the conviction that he might, and was even obliged, to delay his decision, was comforting. "Well, I shall consider all that later on," he said to himself, as the trap drove silently along the asphalt pavement up to the doors of the Court.
"Now I must fulfil my public duties conscientiously, as I am in the habit of always doing, and as I consider it right to do. Besides, they are often interesting." And he entered the hall of the Law Courts, past the doorkeeper.
聂赫留朵夫喝完咖啡，到书房查看法院通知，应该几点钟出庭，再给公爵小一姐写回信。去书房就得经过画室。画室里放着一个画架，架上反放着一幅开了头的画稿，墙上挂着几张一习一作。看到这幅他花了两年功夫画的画稿，看到那些一习一作和整个画室，他又一次深切地感到，他的绘画水平已无法再提高了。这种心情是他近来常有的。他认为这是由于审美观过分高雅的缘故，但不管怎样，总是不愉快的。
七年前，他断定自己有绘画天才，就辞去军职。他把艺术创作看得高于一切，瞧不起其他活动。现在事实证明他无权妄自尊大。因此一想到这事就不愉快。他心情沉重地瞧瞧画室里豪华的设备，闷闷不乐地走进书房。书房又高又大，里面有各种装饰、用品和舒适的家具。
聂赫留朵夫立刻在大写字台标明“急事”的一抽一屉里找到那份通知，知道必须在十一时出庭。接着他坐下来给公爵小一姐写信，感谢她的邀请，并表示将尽量赶去吃饭。但他写完后就把信撕掉，觉得口气太亲一热。他重新写了一封，却又觉得太冷淡，人家看了会生气。他又把信撕掉，然后按了按电铃。一个脸色一陰一沉的老仆人，留着络腮一胡一子，嘴唇和下巴刮得光光的，腰系灰细布围裙，走了进来。
“请您派人去雇一辆马车来。”
“是，老爷。”
“再对柯察金家来的人说一声，谢谢他们东家，我会尽量赶到的。”
“是。”
“这样有点失礼，可是我写不成。反正今天我要同她见面的，”聂赫留朵夫心里想着，离开书房去换衣服。
他换好衣服，走到大门口，那个熟识的车夫驾着橡胶轮马车已在那里等着他了。
“昨天您刚离开柯察金家，我就到了，”车夫把他那套在白衬衫领子里的黧黑强壮的脖子半扭过来，说，“看门的说，您老爷才走。”
“连马车夫都知道我同柯察金家的关系，”聂赫留朵夫想，又考虑起近来一经常盘据在他头脑里的问题：该不该同柯察金小一姐结婚。这个问题也象当前他遇到的许多问题一样，怎么也无法解决。
聂赫留朵夫想结婚的原因是，第一，除了获得家庭的一温一暖外，还可以避免不正常的两一性一关系，过合乎道德的生活；第二，也是主要的原因，他希望家庭和孩子能充实他目前这种空虚的生活。他想结婚无非就是这些原因。不想结婚的原因是，第一，唯恐丧失自一由，凡是年纪不轻的单身汉都有这样的顾虑；第二，对女人这种神秘的生物抱着一种莫名的恐惧。
他愿意同米西（柯察金小一姐的本名是马利亚，如同他们这种圈子里所有的家庭一样，她有一个别名）结婚还有一些特殊原因，那就是，第一，她出身名门，衣着、谈吐、步态、笑容，处处与众不同，她给人的印象不是别的，而是“教养有素”——他再也想不出更适当的形容词，并且很重视这种品质；第二，她认为他是个出类拔萃的人物，因此他认为只有她才了解他。对他的这种了解，也就是对他崇高品格的肯定，聂赫留朵夫认为这足以证明她聪明颖悟，独具慧眼。不想同米西结婚的特殊原因是，第一，他很可能找到比米西好得多因而同他更相配的姑一娘一；第二，她今年已二十七岁，因此以前一定谈过恋一爱一。这个想法使聂赫留朵夫感到很不是滋味。他的自尊心使他无法忍受这种情况，哪怕这已是往事。当然她以前不可能知道她日后会遇见他，但是一想到她可能一爱一过别人，他还是感到屈辱。
这样，想结婚和不想结婚，都有理由，二者势均力敌，不相上下，因此聂赫留朵夫嘲笑自己是布里丹的驴子①。他始终拿不定主意，不知道该选哪一捆干草好。
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①法国十四世纪哲学家布里丹写有一个寓言，说一匹驴子看到两捆干草，外形和质量完全一样，它犹豫不决，不知道选哪一捆好，结果饿死。
“反正还没有收到玛丽雅（首席贵族的妻子）的回信，那事还没有完全结束，我还不能采取任何行动，”他自言自语。
想到他可以而且不得不推迟作出决定，他感到高兴。
“不过，这些事以后再考虑吧，”当他的轻便马车悄悄地来到法院门口的柏油马路上时，他这样想。
“现在我得照例忠实履行我的社会职责，我应该这样做。再说，这种事多半都挺有意思，”他心里想着，从看门人旁边走过，进入法院的门廊。