Chapter 18
那年夏天我们过得幸福快乐。等我可以走动了，我们便在公园里坐马车玩。我还记得那马车、慢慢走着的马和前面高高的车座上那个车夫的背影，他头上戴着一顶光闪闪的高帽子，还有坐在我身边的凯瑟琳·巴克莱。要是我们手碰上手，哪怕只是我的手的边沿碰上她的，我们就会兴奋起来。后来我可以拄着拐杖走路了，我们便上宓妃或意大利大饭店，坐在屋外拱廊上吃饭。侍者们进进出出，街上有行人来来往往；铺台布的桌子上点着蜡烛，上面还罩着罩子。后来我们觉得还是经常上意大利大饭店比较好，那儿的侍者头目乔治就经常给我们留一张桌子。乔治是个好侍者，我们总是由他去点菜，自去观看来往的人们，望望黄昏里的大拱廊，或者默然相对。我们喝冰在桶里的不加甜味的卡普里白葡萄酒；虽则我们还试过许多旁的酒，例如飞来莎、巴勃拉①和甜白葡萄酒。因为战事关系，饭店里不雇用专门管酒的侍者，我一点飞来莎这一类酒，乔治就会怪不好意思地笑笑。
“你们想想看，有个国家，只要那东西有点草莓味，便把它酿起酒来，”他说。
“为什么不呢？”凯瑟琳问。“这酒的名字听起来倒怪好听的。”
“你要试的话，小姐，就试试吧，”乔治说。“我给中尉另外拿一小瓶法国玛谷葡萄酒来。”
“我也试试飞来莎吧，乔治。”
“先生，这我可不敢推荐。这种酒连草莓味都没有哩。”
“那也不一定，”凯瑟琳说。“倘若有草莓味当然最好。”
“我去拿来，”乔治说，“等小姐试了以后我才拿走。”
那酒果真不像酒。正如他所说的，连草莓味都没有。我们到末了还是喝卡普里。有天晚上，我身边的钱不够，乔治还借给我一百里拉。“没关系，中尉，”他说。“我知道是怎么回事。一个人手头不方便总是难免的。倘若先生或者小姐有需要，尽管说一声就是了。”
饭后我们穿过拱廊散步，经过旁的酒家饭店和那些已经上了钢窗板的店铺，在一个卖三明治的小摊前停下来，买了火腿生菜三明治和鳀鱼三明治，后者是用很细的涂过糖的褐色面包卷做成，只有人的手指那么长。这些点心是我们预备夜间肚子饿时吃的。走出拱廊，我们在大教堂前雇了部敞篷马车回医院。到了医院门口，门房出来帮我拄起拐杖。我付了车钱，一同坐电梯上楼。凯瑟琳到了护士住的那一层楼，先出去了，我继续上升，拄着拐杖穿过走廊，走进自己的房间；有时候我脱下衣服上床，有时候坐在外边阳台上，把受伤的腿搁在另外一张椅子上，边看着燕子绕着屋顶飞翔，边等待着凯瑟琳。到她上楼来时，仿佛她是经过一次长途旅行才回来似的，我拄着拐杖陪她在走廊上走，帮她拿盆子，在一间间病房门外等，或者跟她一同走进去；那要看病人是否是我们的朋友，一直等到她职务完毕后，我们才在我房间外的阳台上坐坐。过后我上床去，她则等到病人都睡着了，没有人会再喊她，才走进来。我喜欢解开她的头发，她坐在床上，动都不动，除了偶尔突然钻下头来吻我；我把她的发针一根根取下来，放在被单上，她的头发就散开来，我定睛看着她，她一动不动地坐着，等到最后两根发针取了下来，头发就全都垂下来，她的头一低，于是我们俩都在头发中，那时的感觉就好比是在帐幕里或者在一道瀑布的后边。
① 巴勃拉是意大利西北部皮德蒙州出产的红葡萄酒。
她的头发非常美丽，我有时躺着看她，借着敞开的门外透进来的光线，看她卷起头发。她的头发在夜里也发亮，就像水在天快亮前有时闪闪发亮一样。她有张可爱的脸和身体，皮肤又光滑又可爱。我们时常躺在一起，我用指尖抚摩她的脸颊、前额、眼睛下边、下巴和喉咙说：“光滑得像琴键。”
而她也用手指摸摸我的下巴说：“光滑得像砂纸，磨擦琴键可很不好受。”
“很粗糙吧？”
“不是，亲爱的。我不过是说说笑话。”
夜间真可爱，我们只要互相接触一下，便觉得快活幸福。除了一切欢乐的时刻外，我们还有许多种谈情说爱的小玩意儿，有时我们不在同一房间，想靠心灵传达意念。有时竟也能成功，这大概是因为我们所转的念头毕竟是相同的吧。
我们彼此都这么说，我们打她来到医院那天起就已结婚了，算来已经结婚好几个月了。我倒想真的举行结婚仪式，但凯瑟琳说，如果我们结婚的话，人家会把她调走，如果我们只是开始办理手续的话，人家就会注意她，把我们拆散的。我们要结婚，不得不遵守意大利法律，那礼节的繁杂，实是惊人。我想正式结婚，因为担心有了孩子，不过我们装做已经结了婚，并不十分担忧，而且我本人很可能实在在图个没结婚的快乐。我记得有一天夜里我们谈起这件事，凯瑟琳说：“不过，亲爱的，他们会把我调走的。”“或许不会吧。”
“会的。他们会打发我回国，这样我们得等到战后才能见面。”“休假期间我可以去找你。”
“休假时间那么短，你怎么可以往苏格兰跑个来回，况且，我不愿离开你。现在结婚还有什么好处呢？我们实际已经结了婚。没法子叫我更进一步结婚。”
“我要结婚本是为你打算。”
“哪里还有什么我。我就是你。别再分出一个独立的我。”“我本以为姑娘们总是想结婚的。”
“你猜得不错。但是，亲爱的，我已经结了婚。我已经和你结了婚。我这妻子还不坏吧？”
“你是个可爱的妻子。”
“你知道，亲爱的，我已经有一次等待结婚的经验。”
“关于那个，我不想听。”
“你知道我不爱任何人，只爱你。你不应该在乎有个人曾爱过我。”
“我是在乎的。”
“我的一切都属于你，人家早已死了，你不该妒忌他。”
“我没妒忌，不过我也不想听它。”
“你这可怜的宝贝。我也知道你跟什么样的女人都混过，我倒不以为意。”
“我们可不可以想个法子私下结婚？这样，万一我有什么长短，或者你有了小孩，就不妨了。”
“要结婚只得通过教会或是政府。我们其实已经私下结婚了。你看，亲爱的，倘若我信仰什么教，那么结婚就是最重要的事。但是我没有任何宗教信仰。”
“你给过我圣安东尼像。”
“那是件吉祥品。也是人家送我的。”“那么你一点也不担忧吗？”
“我只愁被人家调走，和你分离。你是我的宗教。你是我的一切。”“好吧。你哪一天说要结婚，我们就结婚。”
“亲爱的，听你的口气，好像非要跟我正式结婚不可，以便保全我的体面。我是个非常体面的女人。随便什么事情，只要你觉得幸福并引以为骄傲，那么便没有什么可以难为情的。你岂不是很幸福吗？”“但是将来你不要离开我，另找别人。”
“不会的，亲爱的。我永远不会离开你去另找别人。照我想，我们可能遭遇到各式各样可怕的事。关于你说的那一点，你可不必担心。”“我不担心。但是我太爱你，而你从前爱过别人。”
“那别人后来又怎么样呢？”
“他死啦。”
“对啦，要是他还在的话，我就不会碰上你。我并不是不忠实的，亲爱的。我有好多短处，但人倒是非常忠实的。就怕我的人太忠实，你会觉得腻味。”
“我不久就得回前线。”
“等到你要走的时候再说吧。你看，我是快乐的，亲爱的，我们过得多么幸福。我没有快乐，已有一个相当长的时期，我认识你的时候，几乎快发疯了。也许已经发疯了。但是现在我们快乐幸福，彼此相爱。你我只要快乐就是了，我求你。你是快乐的吧？我做了什么你不喜欢的事没有？我能做些什么讨你喜欢的事？你要不要我把头发散下来？你要耍弄吗？”“要，上床来。”
“好的。等我先去看看病号再来。”
We had a lovely time that summer. When I could go out we rode in a carriage in the park. I remember the carriage, the horse going slowly, and up ahead the back of the driver with his varnished high hat, and Catherine Barkley sitting beside me. If we let our hands touch, just the side of my hand touching hers, we were excited. Afterward when I could get around on crutches we went to dinner at Biffi's or the Gran Italia and sat at the tables outside on the floor of the galleria. The waiters came in and out and there were people going by and candles with shades on the tablecloths and after we decided that we liked the Gran Italia best, George, the headwaiter, saved us a table. He was a fine waiter and we let him order the meal while we looked at the people, and the great galleria in the dusk, and each other. We drank dry white capri iced in a bucket; although we tried many of the other wines, fresa, barbera and the sweet white wines. They had no wine waiter because of the war and George would smile ashamedly when I asked about wines like fresa.
"If you imagine a country that makes a wine because it tastes like strawberries," he said.
"Why shouldn't it?" Catherine asked. "It sounds splendid."
"You try it, lady," said George, "if you want to. But let me bring a little bottle of margaux for the Tenente."
"I'll try it too, George."
"Sir, I can't recommend you to. It doesn't even taste like strawberries."
"It might," said Catherine. "It would be wonderful if it did."
"I'll bring it," said George, "and when the lady is satisfied I'll take it away."
It was not much of a wine. As he said, it did not even taste like strawberries. We went back to capri. One evening I was short of money and George loaned me a hundred lire. "That's all right, Tenente," he said. "I know how it is. I know how a man gets short. If you or the lady need money I've always got money."
After dinner we walked through the galleria, past the other restaurants and the shops with their steel shutters down, and stopped at the little place where they sold sandwiches; ham and lettuce sandwiches and anchovy sandwiches made of very tiny brown glazed rolls and only about as long as your finger. They were to eat in the night when we were hungry. Then we got into an open carriage outside the galleria in front of the cathedral and rode to the hospital. At the door of the hospital the porter came out to help with the crutches. I paid the driver, and then we rode upstairs in the elevator. Catherine got off at the lower floor where the nurses lived and I went on up and went down the hall on crutches to my room; sometimes I undressed and got into bed and sometimes I sat out on the balcony with my leg up on another chair and watched the swallows over the roofs and waited for Catherine. When she came upstairs it was as though she had been away on a long trip and I went along the hall with her on the crutches and carried the basins and waited outside the doors, or went in with her; it depending on whether they were friends of ours or not, and when she had done all there was to be done we sat out on the balcony outside my room. Afterward I went to bed and when they were all asleep and she was sure they would not call she came in. I loved to take her hair down and she sat on the bed and kept very still, except suddenly she would dip down to kiss me while I was doing it, and I would take out the pins and lay them on the sheet and it would be loose and I would watch her while she kept very still and then take out the last two pins and it would all come down and she would drop her head and we would both be inside of it, and it was the feeling of inside a tent or behind a falls.
She had wonderfully beautiful hair and I would lie sometimes and watch her twisting it up in the light that came in the open door and it shone even in the night as water shines sometimes just before it is really daylight. She had a lovely face and body and lovely smooth skin too. We would be lying together and I would touch her cheeks and her forehead and under her eyes and her chin and throat with the tips of my fingers and say, "Smooth as piano keys," and she would stroke my chin with her finger and say, "Smooth as emery paper and very hard on piano keys."
"Is it rough?"
"No, darling. I was just making fun of you."
It was lovely in the nights and if we could only touch each other we were happy. Besides all the big times we had many small ways of making love and we tried putting thoughts in the other one's head while we were in different rooms. It seemed to work sometimes but that was probably because we were thinking the same thing anyway.
We said to each other that we were married the first day she had come to the hospital and we counted months from our wedding day. I wanted to be really married but Catherine said that if we were they would send her away and if we merely started on the formalities they would watch her and would break us up. We would have to be married under Italian law and the formalities were terrific. I wanted us to be married really because I worried about having a child if I thought about it, but we pretended to ourselves we were married and did not worry much and I suppose I enjoyed not being married, really. I know one night we talked about it and Catherine said, "But, darling, they'd send me away."
"Maybe they wouldn't."
"They would. They'd send me home and then we would he apart until after the war."
"I'd come on leave."
"You couldn't get to Scotland and back on a leave. Besides, I won't leave you. What good would it do to marry now? We're really married. I couldn't be any more married."
"I only wanted to for you."
"There isn't any me. I'm you. Don't make up a separate me."
"I thought girls always wanted to be married."
"They do. But, darling, I am married. I'm married to you. Don't I make you a good wife?"
"You're a lovely wife."
"You see, darling, I had one experience of waiting to be married."
"I don't want to hear about it."
"You know I don't love any one but you. You shouldn't mind because some one else loved me."
"I do."
"You shouldn't be jealous of some one who's dead when you have everything."
"No, but I don't want to hear about it."
"Poor darling. And I know you've been with all kinds of girls and it doesn't matter to me."
"Couldn't we be married privately some way? Then if anything happened to me or if you had a child."
"There's no way to be married except by church or state. We are married privately. You see, darling, it would mean everything to me if I had any religion. But I haven't any religion."
"You gave me the Saint Anthony."
"That was for luck. Some one gave it to me."
"Then nothing worries you?"
"Only being sent away from you. You're my religion. You're all I've got."
"All right. But I'll marry you the day you say."
"Don't talk as though you had to make an honest woman of me, darling. I'm a very honest woman. You can't be ashamed of something if you're only happy and proud of it. Aren't you happy?"
"But you won't ever leave me for some one else."
"No, darling. I won't ever leave you for some one else. I suppose all sorts of dreadful things will happen to us. But you don't have to worry about that."
"I don't. But I love you so much and you did love some one else before."
"And what happened to him?"
"He died."
"Yes and if he hadn't I wouldn't have met you. I'm not unfaithful, darling. I've plenty of faults but I'm very faithful. You'll be sick of me I'll be so faithful."
"I'll have to go back to the front pretty soon."
"We won't think about that until you go. You see I'm happy, darling, and we have a lovely time. I haven't been happy for a long time and when I met you perhaps I was nearly crazy. Perhaps I was crazy. But now we're happy and we love each other. Do let's please just be happy. You are happy, aren't you? Is there anything I do you don't like? Can I do anything to please you? Would you like me to take down my hair? Do you want to play?"
"Yes and come to bed."
"All right. I'll go and see the patients first."