Chapter 50
MY hands had been dressed twice or thrice in the night, and again in the morning. My left arm was a good deal burned to the elbow, and, less severely, as high as the shoulder; it was very painful, but the flames had set in that direction, and I felt thankful it was no worse. My right hand was not so badly burnt but that I could move the fingers. It was bandaged, of course, but much less inconveniently than my left hand and arm; those I carried in a sling; and I could only wear my coat like a cloak, loose over my shoulders and fastened at the neck. My hair had been caught by the fire, but not my head or face.
When Herbert had been down to Hammersmith and seen his father, he came back me at our chambers, and devoted the day to attending on me. He was the kindest of nurses, and at stated times took off the bandages, and steeped them in the cooling liquid that was kept ready, and put them on again, with a patient tenderness that I was deeply grateful for.
At first, as I lay quiet on the sofa, I found it painfully difficult, I might say impossible, to get rid of the impression of the glare of the flames, their hurry and noise, and the fierce burning smell. If I dozed for a minute, I was awakened by Miss Havisham's cries, and by her running at me with all that height of fire above her head. This pain of the mind was much harder to strive against than any bodily pain I suffered; and Herbert, seeing that, did his utmost to hold my attention engaged.
Neither of us spoke of the boat, but we both thought of it. That was made apparent by our avoidance of the subject, and by our agreeing - without agreement - to make my recovery of the use of my hands, a question of so many hours, not of so many weeks.
My first question when I saw Herbert had been of course, whether all was well down the river? As he replied in the affirmative, with perfect confidence and cheerfulness, we did not resume the subject until the day was wearing away. But then, as Herbert changed the bandages, more by the light of the fire than by the outer light, he went back to it spontaneously.
`I sat with Provis last night, Handel, two good hours.'
`Where was Clara?'
`Dear little thing!' said Herbert. `She was up and down with Gruffandgrim all the evening. He was perpetually pegging at the floor, the moment she left his sight. I doubt if he can hold out long though. What with rum and pepper - and pepper and rum - I should think his pegging must be nearly over.'
`And then you will be married, Herbert?'
`How can I take care of the dear child otherwise? - Lay your arm out upon the back of the sofa, my dear boy, and I'll sit down here, and get the bandage off so gradually that you shall not know when it comes. I was speaking of Provis. Do you know, Handel, he improves?'
`I said to you I thought he was softened when I last saw him.'
`So you did. And so he is. He was very communicative last night, and told me more of his life. You remember his breaking off here about some woman that he had had great trouble with. - Did I hurt you?'
I had started, but not under his touch. His words had given me a start.
`I had forgotten that, Herbert, but I remember it now you speak of it.'
`Well! He went into that part of his life, and a dark wild part it is. Shall I tell you? Or would it worry you just now?'
`Tell me by all means. Every word.'
Herbert bent forward to look at me more nearly, as if my reply had been rather more hurried or more eager than he could quite account for. `Your head is cool?' he said, touching it.
`Quite,' said I. `Tell me what Provis said, my dear Herbert.'
`It seems,' said Herbert, ` - there's a bandage off most charmingly, and now comes the cool one - makes you shrink at first, my poor dear fellow, don't it? but it will be comfortable presently - it seems that the woman was a young woman, and a jealous woman, and a revengeful woman; revengeful, Handel, to the last degree.'
`To what last degree?'
`Murder. - Does it strike too cold on that sensitive place?'
`I don't feel it. How did she murder? Whom did she murder?' `Why, the deed may not have merited quite so terrible a name,' said Herbert, `but, she was tried for it, and Mr Jaggers defended her, and the reputation of that defence first made his name known to Provis. It was another and a stronger woman who was the victim, and there had been a struggle - in a barn. Who began it, or how fair it was, or how unfair, may be doubtful; but how it ended, is certainly not doubtful, for the victim was found throttled.'
`Was the woman brought in guilty?'
`No; she was acquitted. - My poor Handel, I hurt you!'
`It is impossible to be gentler, Herbert. Yes? What else?'
`This acquitted young woman and Provis had a little child: a little child of whom Provis was exceedingly fond. On the evening of the very night when the object of her jealousy was strangled as I tell you, the young woman presented herself before Provis for one moment, and swore that she would destroy the child (which was in her possession), and he should never see it again; then, she vanished. - There's the worst arm comfortably in the sling once more, and now there remains but the right hand, which is a far easier job. I can do it better by this light than by a stronger, for my hand is steadiest when I don't see the poor blistered patches too distinctly. - You don't think your breathing is affected, my dear boy? You seem to breathe quickly.'
`Perhaps I do, Herbert. Did the woman keep her oath?'
`There comes the darkest part of Provis's life. She did.'
`That is, he says she did.'
`Why, of course, my dear boy,' returned Herbert, in a tone of surprise, and again bending forward to get a nearer look at me. `He says it all. I have no other information.'
`No, to be sure.'
`Now, whether,' pursued Herbert, `he had used the child's mother ill, or whether he had used the child's mother well, Provis doesn't say; but, she had shared some four or five years of the wretched life he described to us at this fireside, and he seems to have felt pity for her, and forbearance towards her. Therefore, fearing he should be called upon to depose about this destroyed child, and so be the cause of her death, he hid himself (much as he grieved for the child), kept himself dark, as he says, out of the way and out of the trial, and was only vaguely talked of as a certain man called Abel, out of whom the jealousy arose. After the acquittal she disappeared, and thus he lost the child and the child's mother.'
`I want to ask--'
`A moment, my dear boy, and I have done. That evil genius, Compeyson, the worst of scoundrels among many scoundrels, knowing of his keeping out of the way at that time, and of his reasons for doing so, of course afterwards held the knowledge over his head as a means of keeping him poorer, and working him harder. It was clear last night that this barbed the point of Provis's animosity.'
`I want to know,' said I, `and particularly, Herbert, whether he told you when this happened?'
`Particularly? Let me remember, then, what he said as to that. His expression was, "a round score o' year ago, and a'most directly after I took up wi' Compeyson." How old were you when you came upon him in the little churchyard?'
`I think in my seventh year.'
`Ay. It had happened some three or four years then, he said, and you brought into his mind the little girl so tragically lost, who would have been about your age.'
`Herbert,' said I, after a short silence, in a hurried way, `can you see me best by the light of the window, or the light of the fire?'
`By the firelight,' answered Herbert, coming close again.
`Look at me.'
`I do look at you, my dear boy.'
`Touch me.'
`I do touch you, my dear boy.'
`You are not afraid that I am in any fever, or that my head is much disordered by the accident of last night?'
`N-no, my dear boy,' said Herbert, after taking time to examine me. `You are rather excited, but you are quite yourself.'
`I know I am quite myself. And the man we have in hiding down the river, is Estella's Father.'
我的双手当夜就换过两次绷带，一早起来又换了一次。我的左臂从手直到胳膊肘这部分烧伤得很严重，上半部分伤势则比较轻，可是整个臂膀都很痛；不过当时的火势朝这个方向发展得很猛，没有造成更大损伤，倒是不幸中之大幸。我的右手不像左手烧伤得那么厉害，几个手指都能够活动。当然，右手也缠上了绷带，不过比起左手和左臂来却是方便得多了。整个左臂因为用绷带吊着，大衣只能像个斗篷似的披着，松松地搭在肩上，在脖子里扎了一下。我的头发也着了火，幸好没有伤到头脸。
赫伯特专程去汉莫史密斯看望了他的父亲后，便赶回我们住的地方，诚心诚意地整天侍奉着我。他是最好心肠的护士，非常按时地解下我的绷带，把它泡在准备好的清凉药水浸液中，然后再替我包扎好，非常耐心，动作非常轻柔，使我深深地感激他。
起先，我安静地躺在沙发上，发现要想摆脱大脑中出现的明亮火光，是十分困难的，甚至可以说是不可能的。我大脑中总是不断地出现人们的奔跑声、吵闹声、迎面扑来的刺鼻的烧焦气味。只要我一打盹儿，就会被郝维仙小姐的呼叫声惊醒，好像她正向着我奔来，头上蹿起高高的火焰。这种心灵中升起的痛苦比所经受的任何肉体上的痛苦要难熬得多。赫伯特一看到我这种情况，便尽最大的努力来控制我的注意力。
我们两人中谁都不提起那条小船，但是我们都在想到船。显而易见，我们虽然嘴上避开这个主题，但是我们却无须签约而一致同意要使我的双手恢复其功能，最好是能在几个小时之内恢复，而不能拖上几个星期。
我看到赫伯特的时候，第一个问题就是问他河滨的那个人是否一切都好！他的回答是肯定的，态度也表现出十分的把握，而且看上去心情愉快，仅此足够，不必再谈论下去了。一直到白天慢慢地消逝，等到赫伯特给我换绷带已不能依靠天光，只有借用炉火的光才行时，他才又不自觉地提到上面那件事情。
“汉德尔，昨晚我和普鲁威斯坐在一起消磨了两个小时。”
“克拉娜到哪里去了呢？”
“不要谈这个可爱的小东西了！”赫伯特答道，“她整夜都上上下下为了那个凶神打转转。只要她一离开，他就拼命地敲地板。我看他不会再活多久了。他一会儿要朗姆酒加胡椒，一会又要胡椒加朗姆酒，我看他敲楼板的机会也不会多了。”
“赫伯特，到那时你们就该结婚了？”
“如果不结婚，我又该把这个可爱的小东西怎么办？你把臂膀放在沙发背上，我的老兄。我就坐在这里，给你把绷带解下来。你不会有什么感觉，等我全部揭下来时你都不会发觉。我刚才正谈到普鲁威斯，汉德尔，他现在的脾气可改进多了呢，你知道吗？”
“我早就对你说过，上次我看到他时就发现他温和得多了。”
“你的确说过。他真的温和多了。昨天晚上他谈了很多，又告诉了我更多的关于他个人的经历。你记得上次他提到过有一个女人给他带来麻烦，但他一提到就不再讲下去了吗？——我弄疼了你吗？”
他的话使我猛惊了一下，倒不是他解绷带时弄疼了我。
“赫伯特，我已经忘掉这件事了，你现在一谈起，我就想起来是有这回事。”
“好吧！这次他又提到他经历中的这件事，这段经历在他一生中是很狂乱的。我给你讲讲好不好？否则你会心烦的。”
“你一定要讲清楚，一个字也不能少。”
赫伯特俯下身子，离我很近，仔细地看着我，仿佛我的答话过分匆忙，又显得焦急，他几乎应付不过来似的。他摸了一下我的头，说道：“你的头脑清醒吗？”
“十分清醒，”我说道，“告诉我普鲁威斯所说的话，亲爱的赫伯特。”
赫伯特说道：“看来这条绷带倒是挺不错的，现在来换上这条清凉的——一开始要注意，它会使你冷得缩回膀子，我亲爱的老朋友，不是吗？不过一会儿你就会感到舒服的。那个女人似乎是一个年轻的女人，一个喜欢争风吃醋的女人，一个爱报复的女人；汉德尔，她的报复心可重呢，可以说达到登峰造极的程度。”
“登峰造极到什么程度？”
“杀人。把绷带扎在你皮肤的敏感地方，你嫌凉吗？”
“一点儿不感到凉。她是怎么样杀人的？她杀的又是谁？”
“其实从其行为上看，并不能构成如此可怕的罪名，”赫伯特说道，“不过她确实为此事而受审。贾格斯先生为她辩护，也正是这次辩护使贾格斯先生出人头地，使普鲁威斯第一次知道他的大名。被害者是一位比她更有力气的人，她们两人发生了一场打斗，是在一间牲畜棚里。谁先动手打人，是否打得公平，或者是否打得不公平，这些都值得怀疑。不过打的结果是不容怀疑的，人们发现被害者是被双手掐死的。”
“这个女人被定罪了吗？”
“没有定罪，她被无罪释放——我可怜的汉德尔，我碰疼了你吗？”
“你的动作再柔和没有了，赫伯特。是这样吗？还有呢？”
“这位无罪释放的女人和普鲁威斯有过一个孩子，普鲁威斯特别喜欢这个孩子。就在我刚才讲到的那个晚上，那个她用双手掐死她所妒忌的那个女人的晚上，她曾到普鲁威斯的住处去过，发誓非要杀死这个孩子不可，因为这个孩子是归她所有的，她要让他永远再也看不见这个孩子。然后，这个女人就消失了。现在你这条烧伤严重的臂膀已经扎好吊好了，弄得妥妥帖帖，还剩下这只右手，这就更好办了。我宁可在弱光下给你包扎，也不能在强光下包扎，因为在弱光下，那些可怕的水泡我看不清楚，我也就会稳妥地包扎。我的老兄，你没有感到你的呼吸有些异样吗？你好像呼吸加速了。”
“也许是加速了，赫伯特。那个女人讲话算数了吗？”
“这就成为普鲁威斯一生中最黑暗的时期，因为她真的杀了那个孩子。”
“那就是说普鲁威斯认为她实现了誓言。”
“这当然了，怎么，我的老兄，”赫伯特用惊讶的语气答道，又一次俯下身子很近地望着我，“这都是他所说的，我再没有其他的消息了。”
“当然是再没有了。”
“再说，”赫伯特继续说道，“至于他是对这孩子的妈妈好呢，还是对孩子的妈妈不好，普鲁威斯可没有说。不过，她和他曾风雨同舟、同甘共苦了四五年，就是他在这个壁炉边所说过的。他似乎对她颇有同情之心，对她也很体谅。因为唯恐自己会被传上法庭为杀死孩子一事作证，并因此而判她死刑，所以他躲避起来。尽管他为孩子的死十分地痛心，照他自己的话说，那时他什么人都不见，也绝不愿到庭，所以开庭审判时，关于两个女人因妒忌相争一案仅含糊其辞地说是为了一个叫做艾伯尔的男人。无罪释放之后，她便消失了，他也就从此失去了孩子和孩子的妈妈。”
“我想问——”
“我的老兄，待一会儿再问，我就讲完了。那个恶棍康佩生，那是个无赖当中的无赖。他当时完全知道普鲁威斯避开众人，也知道他避开众人的原因。康佩生便以此来折磨他，逼着他干越来越重的活，使他日子过得越来越穷。显而易见，从昨晚的谈话中可以看出普鲁威斯和康佩生之间不共戴天之怨仇就是如此结下来的。”
“我想知道，”我对他说，“赫伯特，我特别想知道，他告诉你的事究竟发生于什么时候？”
“特别想知道？让我来想一下，我记得他是这么说的，他说‘约摸二十年前，几乎在我刚和康佩生搭档时，就发生了此事’。在乡村公墓遇到他时你几岁？”
“我记得是七岁左右吧。”
“嗨，他说，这事发生后三四年他就遇上了你。一看到你便引起他对自己小女儿的思念，她死得那般惨，她和你的年纪差不多。”
“赫伯特，”沉默了一会儿，我匆忙地说道，“你就着窗外的光看我清楚，还是就炉火的光看我清楚？”
“就炉火的光。”赫伯特向我靠近了些答道。
“你看着我吧。”
“我是在看着你，老兄。”
“摸一摸我。”
“我是在摸，老兄。”
“你可以不必担心，我没有发烧，昨天的事故也没有使我的头脑紊乱，明白吗？”
“是的，是的，亲爱的朋友。”赫伯特说道。他审视了我一会儿后又说：“你有点儿激动，不过你很正常。”
“我不知道我很正常。我得让你知道，我们窝藏在河边的那个人就是埃斯苔娜的父亲。”