Chapter 43
WHY should I pause to ask how much of my shrinking from Provis might be traced to Estella? Why should I loiter on my road, to compare the state of mind in which I had tried to rid myself of the stain of the prison before meeting her at the coach-office, with the state of mind in which I now reflected on the abyss between Estella in her pride and beauty, and the returned transport whom I harboured? The road would be none the smoother for it, the end would be none the better for it, he would not be helped, nor I extenuated.
A new fear had been engendered in my mind by his narrative; or rather, his narrative had given form and purpose to the fear that was already there. If Compeyson were alive and should discover his return, I could hardly doubt the consequence. That, Compeyson stood in mortal fear of him, neither of the two could know much better than I; and that, any such man as that man had been described to be, would hesitate to release himself for good from a dreaded enemy by the safe means of becoming an informer, was scarcely to be imagined.
Never had I breathed, and never would I breathe - or so I resolved - a word of Estella to Provis. But, I said to Herbert that before I could go abroad, I must see both Estella and Miss Havisham. This was when we were left alone on the night of the day when Provis told us his story. I resolved to go out to Richmond next day, and I went.
On my presenting myself at Mrs Brandley's, Estella's maid was called to tell that Estella had gone into the country. Where? To Satis House, as usual. Not as usual, I said, for she had never yet gone there without me; when was she coming back? There was an air of reservation in the answer which increased my perplexity, and the answer was, that her maid believed she was only coming back at all for a little while. I could make nothing of this, except that it was meant that I should make nothing of it, and I went home again in complete discomfiture.
Another night-consultation with Herbert after Provis was gone home (I always took him home, and always looked well about me), led us to the conclusion that nothing should be said about going abroad until I came back from Miss Havisham's. In the meantime, Herbert and I were to consider separately what it would be best to say; whether we should devise any pretence of being afraid that he was under suspicious observation; or whether I, who had never yet been abroad, should propose an expedition. We both knew that I had but to propose anything, and he would consent. We agreed that his remaining many days in his present hazard was not to be thought of.
Next day, I had the meanness to feign that I was under a binding promise to go down to Joe; but I was capable of almost any meanness towards Joe or his name. Provis was to be strictly careful while I was gone, and Herbert was to take the charge of him that I had taken. I was to be absent only one night, and, on my return, the gratification of his impatience for my starting as a gentleman on a greater scale, was to be begun. It occurred to me then, and as I afterwards found to Herbert also, that he might be best got away across the water, on that pretence - as, to make purchases, or the like.
Having thus cleared the way for my expedition to Miss Havisham's, I set off by the early morning coach before it was yet light, and was out on the open country-road when the day came creeping on, halting and whimpering and shivering, and wrapped in patches of clouds and rags of mist, like a beggar. When we drove up to the Blue Boar after a drizzly ride, whom should I see come out under the gateway, toothpick in hand, to look at the coach, but Bentley Drummle!
As he pretended not to see me, I pretended not to see him. It was a very lame pretence on both sides; the lamer, because we both went into the coffee-room, where he had just finished his breakfast, and where I ordered mine. It was poisonous to me to see him in the town, for I very well knew why he had come there.
Pretending to read a smeary newspaper long out of date, which had nothing half so legible in its local news, as the foreign matter of coffee, pickles, fish-sauces, gravy, melted butter, and wine, with which it was sprinkled all over, as if it had taken the measles in a highly irregular form, I sat at my table while he stood before the fire. By degrees it became an enormous injury to me that he stood before the fire, and I got up, determined to have my share of it. I had to put my hands behind his legs for the poker when I went up to the fire-place to stir the fire, but still pretended not to know him.
`Is this a cut?' said Mr Drummle.
`Oh!' said I, poker in hand; `it's you, is it? How do you do? I was wondering who it was, who kept the fire off.'
With that, I poked tremendously, and having done so, planted myself side by side with Mr Dummle, my shoulders squared and my back to the fire.
`You have just come down?' said Mr Drummle, edging me a little away with his shoulder.
`Yes,' said I, edging him a little away with my shoulder.
`Beastly place,' said Drummle. - `Your part of the country, I think?'
`Yes,' I assented. `I am told it's very like your Shropshire.'
`Not in the least like it,' said Drummle.
Here Mr Drummle looked at his boots, and I looked at mine, and then Mr Drummle looked at my boots, and I looked at his.
`Have you been here long?' I asked, determined not to yield an inch of the fire.
`Long enough to be tired of it,' returned Drummle, pretending to yawn, but equally determined.
`Do you stay here long?'
`Can't say,' answered Mr Drummle. `Do you?'
`Can't say,' said I.
I felt here, through a tingling in my blood, that if Mr Drummle's shoulder had claimed another hair's breadth of room, I should have jerked him into the window; equally, that if my own shoulder had urged a similar claim, Mr Drummle would have jerked me into the nearest box. He whistled a little. So did I.
`Large tract of marshes about here, I believe?' said Drummle.
`Yes. What of that?' said I.
Mr Drummle looked at me, and then at my boots, and then said, `Oh!' and laughed.
`Are you amused, Mr Drummle?'
`No,' said he, `not particularly. I am going out for a ride in the saddle. I mean to explore those marshes for amusement. Out-of-the-way villages there, they tell me. Curious little public-houses - and smithies - and that. Waiter!'
`Yes, sir.'
`Is that horse of mine ready?'
`Brought round to the door, sir.'
`I say. Look here, you sir. The lady won't ride to-day; the weather won't do.'
`Very good, sir.'
`And I don't dine, because I'm going to dine at the lady's.'
`Very good, sir.'
Then, Drummle glanced at me, with an insolent triumph on his great-jowled face that cut me to the heart, dull as he was, and so exasperated me, that I felt inclined to take him in my arms (as the robber in the story-book is said to have taken the old lady), and seat him on the fire.
One thing was manifest to both of us, and that was, that until relief came, neither of us could relinquish the fire. There was stood, well squared up before it, shoulder to shoulder and foot to foot, with our hands behind us, not budging an inch. The horse was visible outside in the drizzle at the door, my breakfast was put on table, Drummle's was cleared away, the waiter invited me to begin, I nodded, we both stood our ground.
`Have you been to the Grove since?' said Drummle.
`No,' said I, `I had quite enough of the Finches the last time I was there.'
`Was that when we had a difference of opinion?'
`Yes,' I replied, very shortly.
`Come, come! They let you off easily enough,' sneered Drummle. `You shouldn't have lost your temper.'
`Mr Drummle,' said I, `you are not competent to give advice on that subject. When I lose my temper (not that I admit having done so on that occasion), I don't throw glasses.'
`I do,' said Drummle.
Again glancing at him once or twice, in an increased state of smouldering ferocity, I said:
`Mr Drummle, I did not seek this conversation, and I don't think it an agreeable one.'
`I am sure it's not,' said he, superciliously over his shoulder; `I don't think anything about it.'
`And therefore,' I went on, `with your leave, I will suggest that we hold no kind of communication in future.'
`Quite my opinion,' said Drummle, `and what I should have suggested myself, or done - more likely - without suggesting. But don't lose your temper. Haven't you lost enough without that?'
`What do you mean, sir?'
`Wai-ter!,' said Drummle, by way of answering me.
The waiter reappeared.
`Look here, you sir. You quite understand that the young lady don't ride to-day, and that I dine at the young lady's?'
`Quite so, sir!'
When the waiter had felt my fast cooling tea-pot with the palm of his hand, and had looked imploringly at me, and had gone out, Drummle, careful not to move the shoulder next me, took a cigar from his pocket and bit the end off, but showed no sign of stirring. Choking and boiling as I was, I felt that we could not go a word further, without introducing Estella's name, which I could not endure to hear him utter; and therefore I looked stonily at the opposite wall, as if there were no one present, and forced myself to silence. How long we might have remained in this ridiculous position it is impossible to say, but for the incursion of three thriving farmers - laid on by the waiter, I think - who came into the coffee-room unbuttoning their great-coats and rubbing their hands, and before whom, as they charged at the fire, we were obliged to give way.
I saw him through the window, seizing his horse's mane, and mounting in his blundering brutal manner, and sidling and backing away. I thought he was gone, when he came back, calling for a light for the cigar in his mouth, which he had forgotten. A man in a dustcoloured dress appeared with what was wanted - I could not have said from where: whether from the inn yard, or the street, or where not - and as Drummle leaned down from the saddle and lighted his cigar and laughed, with a jerk of his head towards the coffee-room windows, the slouching shoulders and ragged hair of this man, whose back was towards me, reminded me of Orlick.
Too heavily out of sorts to care much at the time whether it were he or no, or after all to touch the breakfast, I washed the weather and the journey from my face and hands, and went out to the memorable old house that it would have been so much the better for me never to have entered, never to have seen.
为什么我应当停下来自问一下，我对普鲁威斯那么畏畏缩缩，究竟和埃斯苔娜有几分关系？当年我从新门监狱出来，把在监狱中染上的灰尘去掉后才到驿站接埃斯苔娜，这是一种心情；而现在在骄傲和美丽的埃斯苔娜及我窝藏的回国流放犯之间有着天渊之别，这是另一种心情。为什么我徘徊于路上踯躅不前，而比较两种心情之间的差异呢？想这些，道路不见得变平坦，结局不见得有所改善，对他不见得就能高枕无忧，对我也不见得就能减轻罪过。
他对自己身世的叙述又在我的心灵上滋生出一种新的恐惧，或者说，他对自己身世的叙述使我原有的恐惧更加具体、更加明确。如果康佩生还活着，就会发现他回来的痕迹，其后果不堪设想。康佩生与他之仇可以说是不共戴天，不过他们两人中无论是谁都没有我清楚其中的内情。康佩生正是如他所描述的那种人，一发现自己的敌人，就会去告密，使自己安全地摆脱他。这事对他来说绝不是异想天开。
我在普鲁威斯面前没有提到过埃斯苔娜，也不准备和他讲，这一点我已作了决定。但是，我对赫伯特说，在我出国之前必须去见一下埃斯苔娜和郝维仙小姐。这是在普鲁威斯叙述完他个人的身世，离开之后，我们俩私下讲的。我决定第二天到雷溪梦去，我真的去了。
我一走到白朗德莉夫人家的门口，她就叫埃斯苔娜的女仆来告诉我埃斯苔娜已经回乡间去了。我问是什么乡间？她说，像往常一样去沙提斯庄园了。我说，这可和往常不一样了，因为往常她到乡间去都是和我一起去的。我问女仆她什么时候回来。女仆回答的神气好像有什么秘密似的，这便增加了我的迷惑。女仆说即使埃斯苔娜回来也住不了多久了。我弄不明白话中的含义，其实她本来就不想让我知道其中的含义，我只有悻悻而回。
又一个晚上，把普鲁威斯送回去后（每天晚上我都把他送去睡觉，并且都要仔细观察一下四周的动静），我和赫伯特做了整夜的研究，得出结论，等我从郝维仙小姐家中回来之后再和他谈有关我出国的事。在这个时期，赫伯特和我分开来考虑和他怎么说最好；我们究竟要找出一个什么借口和他谈，因为担心他会对此产生嫌疑；或者我提出到国外去一次，因为我从来没有到国外去过。我们都知道，只要我向他提出，他会同意的。我们两人都认为，他像现在这样冒着风险住在这里，只要日子多了，他的情况是不可想象的。
第二天，我卑鄙地假装说，我和乔有约在先，必须下乡去看他。其实，对于乔我也是耍尽了各种卑鄙的手段，对他本人耍手段，现在又利用他的名义做卑鄙的事。我不在的时候，普鲁威斯需要严格的关照，由赫伯特代替我来照顾他。我还说我只在外面过一夜，回来后就可以实现他的心愿，因为他希望我在做绅士方面要更有气派、更阔气，他怀着的这个希望已达到不耐烦的程度。我想，后来我发现赫伯特的想法竟和我一样，那就是说做上等人就要像上等人，要买这买那，用这种借口就能够把他弄到远隔重洋的海外去。
扫清了到郝维仙小姐家去的障碍，一切安排就绪，次日一早，我便乘马车出发。这时天还未亮，马车行走在广阔的乡间大道上，白天才慢慢开始。我坐在马车里感觉到马车好像一会儿走走停停，一会儿抽抽噎噎，一会儿又颤颤抖抖，整座马车裹着拼起来的云雾般的破烂衣服，形似乞丐。在毛毛细雨之中，马车赶到了蓝野猪饭店。我一进店就碰到一个人正从店门口出来，手上拿了一根牙签，来看马车。此人并非别人，正是本特莱·德鲁莫尔。
他假装没有看见我，我也假装没有看到他，其实两个人的假装都很不成样子；尤其我们又都走进了餐厅，他在那里刚刚用完早餐，而我在那里正开始要我的早餐。在镇上看到他使我心里老大不愉快，因为我心里清清楚楚他为什么来到这里。
我们都各自假装在读一份早就过期的油腻肮脏的报纸。这虽是地方报纸，但地方上的新闻半点也读不到，全是外来的东西，那斑斑点点的咖啡、泡菜汁、鱼沙司、肉汁。融化了的奶油，另外还有酒啊等等这一类的东西都洒在报纸上，那样子就像出了一场严重的麻疹，令人难以人目。我坐在桌边，而他却站在火炉之前。我看到他站在炉前就很不高兴，而且越来越生气。于是我站了起来，决定不让他一个人享受温暖，所以我从他腿后伸过手去取火钳准备把火炉中的火拨一下，仍然假装着没有看到他。
“怎么不打一个招呼？”德鲁莫尔先生却说道。
“噢！”我手中拿着火钳说道，“原来是你，可不是吗？好吗？我正在想着这是谁呢？谁在挡住火炉呢？”
我拿着火钳，费很大气力投着火，火拨好后，便和德鲁莫尔先生并排站着，展开两侧肩膀背靠着火炉。
“你刚来到这里？”德鲁莫尔用他的肩头撞我一下，使我们两人的肩分开，说道。
“刚来。”我也用我的肩头撞他一下，也不让他的肩靠上我的肩。
“这真是鬼地方，”德鲁莫尔说道，“我猜这是你的家乡吧。”
“是我的家乡，”我附和地说道，“我听说这儿和你的家乡西洛普郡很相像。”
“一点儿也不像。”德鲁莫尔说道。
这时，德鲁莫尔先生正打量着他的靴子，我也打量着我的靴子，然后德鲁莫尔先生又打量起我的靴子，我也就打量起他的靴子。
“你来这儿好久了吗？”我问道。我暗自下定决心守在火炉旁边，决不让步。
“来了太久了，久得使我腻味了。”德鲁莫尔答道，假装打了个哈欠。看上去他也和我一样坚守阵地，决不让步。
“你还打算在这儿住很久吗？”
“这很难说，”德鲁莫尔先生答道，“你呢？”
“我也很难说。”
当时我感到火往上撞，全身的血一阵沸腾，只要这位德鲁莫尔先生的肩头把我稍稍撞开哪怕一根发丝的距离，对不起，我也得把他摔到窗外去；当然，要是我的肩头把他也稍稍撞开哪怕一根发丝的距离，德鲁莫尔先生也会把我摔到近处的一个单间中去。这时，他吹起口哨，我也吹起口哨。
“我知道离这里不远有一大片沼泽地，对吧？”德鲁莫尔说道。
“是有一大片沼泽地，怎么样？”我答道。
德鲁莫尔先生望着我，然后他又望着我的靴子，又然后才说道：“噢！”说着他又大笑起来。
“德鲁莫尔先生，你感到得意吗？”
“不，”他答道，“并不特别得意。我准备骑马出去遛遛，我是说到沼泽地去寻找些愉快。有人告诉我，那里有几个不见世面的小村庄，有奇怪的小酒店，还有几家铁匠铺，还有其他些什么。茶房！”
“来了，先生。”
“我的马准备好了吗？”
“已经牵到门口了，先生。”
“喂，你听我说，小姐今天不想骑马了，天气看来不好。”
“好的，先生。”
“今天我不吃午饭了，因为我准备到小姐家中去吃。”
“好的，先生。”
说完，德鲁莫尔膘了我一眼。他虽然生得很笨，可是他那副大颧骨面孔上所表现出来的既傲慢又得意的神态深深地刺痛了我的心，气得我火冒三丈。我简直想用手臂把他抱起来，放在火上烧死。过去有一本故事书中曾讲到一个强盗就是如此弄死一个老太婆的。
有一件事对我们两人来说都是显而易见的，除非有人来帮忙，我们两人谁都不会放弃这个壁炉。我们站在那里，进攻的架势都摆得很好，肩头挨着肩头，脚挨着脚，各人的手都放在背后，谁也不让谁。他的马已站在外面的毛毛细雨之中，从门口就看得到；我的早餐已端到了桌上，德鲁莫尔的餐桌也已收拾干净，侍者正招呼我去用餐，我点着头，但各人都坚守阵地，一步不动。
“自那以后你去过林中鸟类俱乐部吗？”德鲁莫尔说道。
“没有，”我说道，“上次我在俱乐部里对那些鸟儿们了解得已够清楚了。”
“是我们发生意见分歧的那一次吗？”
“就是那一次。”我简短干脆地回答。
“得了，得了！那一次他们轻而易举地把你放走了，”德鲁莫尔冷冷地说道，“你也不该发那么大的火。”
“德鲁莫尔先生，”我说道，“我看对那件事你不必逞能来教训别人。那一次我并没有发脾气，就是说发火吧，我还没有到摔杯子的程度呢。”
“我就要摔。”德鲁莫尔说道。
我瞪了他一两眼，我那间在心头的怒火开始旺了起来，说道：
“德鲁莫尔先生，这样的谈话可不是我挑起的，我看这是不愉快的谈话。”
“我看也不是愉快的谈话，”他目中无人地说着转过了身，“用不着想就是不愉快的。”
“所以，”我继续说道，“我认为我们将来再相遇时，我们根本不要谈话，想来你不会反对。”
“这也是我的意见，”德鲁莫尔说道，“我早就该提出这个建议，或者早就该这样办，根本用不着提出来。不过你也不要发火了，难道你还不服输吗？”
“先生，你说的是什么话？”
“茶房。”德鲁莫尔用呼唤茶房的声音代替了对我的回答。
茶房随声又走了进来。
“你听着，你要知道小姐今天不去骑马了，我在小姐家吃午饭，懂了没有？”
“懂了，先生。”
茶房用他的手掌摸了一下他早为我送来的冷得很快的茶壶，用恳求的眼光望着我，然后走了出去。德鲁莫尔十分谨慎地一点也不移动靠着我的肩膀，从口袋中掏出一支雪茄烟，把烟头咬掉，而且一点也不动声色。我全身都气得发抖，热血沸腾。我们不能再说片言只字，否则就会提到埃斯苔娜的名字。我不能忍受由他的狗嘴里说出她的名字，所以，我像石头一样死死地盯住对面的墙壁，仿佛这里没有别人，强打精神使自己沉默无语。我说不出这种可笑的局面究竟会僵持多久，幸好这时有三个有钱的农场主突然闯了进来，看来是茶房有意安排的，当然这是我的猜想。他们一走进来便脱掉他们的外衣，都搓着手，抢步走到火炉前，我们才不得不让开。
我从窗口望出去，见到他用手抓住马鬃，既笨拙又神气活现的样子，蛮横地跃上马，连马也惊得倒退几步。我以为他已骑马而去，可是他又回来了。他回来是叫人为他嘴里的那根雪茄点火，因为他刚才忘记了这件事，这时有一个穿灰色衣眼的人拿着火走了过来。我说不准他是从哪儿出来的，究竟是从饭店院子里走来的，还是从街上或什么地方冒出来的，我没有看见，只看到德鲁莫尔从马鞍上俯下身子就着火点着雪茄，然后大笑起来。他的头对着餐室的窗子突然动了一下，那个送火的垂肩弯腰、头发蓬蓬的人正背对着我，我一下子才想起，这不是奥立克吗？
由于心情的沉重与杂乱，我根本无暇去思量这个人究竟是不是奥立克，也没有心思去动一下早餐。我只是洗了脸和手，把长途旅行和仆仆的风尘洗净，便匆匆向那所值得永远记忆的古老宅邸走会。我心情激荡，要是我从来没有走进过这所宅邸，要是我根本没有见到过这所宅邸，那该多么好啊！