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It was of course my soul in its ultimate essence that I had reached[102a]. In many ways I had been its enemy, but I found it waiting for me as a friend. When one comes in contact with the soul it makes one simple as a child, as Christ said one should be. It is tragic how few people ever “possess their souls” before they die[102b].[102.1] “Nothing is more rare in any man,” says Emerson, “than an act of his own.” [102.2] It is quite true[102c]. Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their life a mimicry, their passions a quotation[102d]. Chris was not merely the supreme Individualist, but he was the first in History. People have tried to make him out an ordinary Philanthropist, like the dreadful philanthropists of the nineteenth century, or ranked him as an Altruist with the unscientific and sentimental. But he was really neither one nor the other. Pity he has, of course, for the poor, for those who are shut up in prisons, for the lowly, for the wretched, but he has far more pity for the rich, for the hard Hedonists, for those who waste their freedom in becoming slaves to things, for those who wear soft raiment and live in Kings’ houses. Riches and Pleasure seemed to him to be really greater tragedies than Poverty and Sorrow. And as for Altruism, who knew better than he that it is vocation not volition that determines us[102e], and that one cannot gather grapes off thorns or figs from thistles?
我所触及的，当然是自己灵魂最深处的本质[102a]。我曾多方与它为敌，没想到它却像朋友一样等着我。当人同灵魂相交时，就变得像小孩一样单纯，正如基督所要的那样。可悲的是，能在死前“拥有自己灵魂”的人，又有几个[102b]？“任何人当中，”埃默森说过，“最难得的莫过于出自本人的行为。” 这话还真不假[102c]。大多数人都是别人的人。他们的思想是别人的想法，他们的生活是对别人的模仿，他们的激情是袭人牙慧的情感[102d]。基督不仅是个最高超的自为主义者，他也是历史上的第一个。人们想把他说成是个一般的慈善家，就像十九世纪那些个窝囊的慈善家；要不就说他是个利他主义者，等同于那些不讲科学又自作多情的人们。但说实在的，他既不是这个也不是那个。恻隐之心他当然有，他可怜穷人、关在牢里的犯人、下等人、受苦受难的人，但更多得多的是可怜富人、死心塌地的享乐主义者、那些浪费自己的自由而沦为物的奴隶的人、那些身穿绫罗绸缎住着王宫侯宅的人。对于他，财富和享乐比起贫穷和悲哀来，似乎真正是更大的悲剧。至于说利他主义，有谁比他知道得更清楚，左右我们的，是神召而非心愿[102e]，在荆棘中采不来葡萄，在蓟丛中摘不到无花果？
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