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Sorrow, then, and all that it teaches one, is my new world. I used to live entirely for pleasure[85a]. I shunned sorrow and suffering of every kind. I hated both. I resolved to ignore them as far as possible, to treat them, that is to say, as modes of imperfection. They were not part of my scheme of life. They had no place in my philosophy. My mother, who knew life as a whole, used often to quote to me Goethe’s lines[85b]—written by Carlyle in a book he had given her years ago—and translated, I fancy, by him also:
Who never ate his bread in sorrow,
Who never spent the midnight hours
Weeping and waiting for the morrow,
He knows you not, ye Heavenly Powers.
[85c] [85.1]
They were the lines that noble Queen of Prussia, whom Napoleon treated with such coarse brutality, used to quote in her humiliation and exile:[85.2] they were the lines my mother often quoted in the troubles of her later life: I absolutely declined to accept or admit the enormous truth hidden in them. I could not understand it[85d]. I remember quite well how I used to tell her that I did not want to eat my bread in sorrow, or to pass any night weeping and watching for a more bitter dawn. I had no idea that it was one of the special things that the Fates had in store for me; that for a whole year of my life, indeed, I was to do little else. But so has my portion been meted out to me; and during the last few months I have, after terrible struggles and difficulties, been able to comprehend some of the lessons hidden in the heart of pain. Clergymen, and people who use phrases without wisdom, sometimes talk of suffering as a mystery. It is really a revelation. One discerns things that one never discerned before. One approaches the whole of history from a different standpoint. What one had felt dimly through instinct, about Art, is intellectually and emotionally realised with perfect clearness of vision and absolute intensity of apprehension[85e].如此说来，悲怆，以及它所教给人的一切，便是我的新世界。我过去曾经只为享乐痛快而活[85a]，对种种悲伤和痛苦避而远之。我讨厌这些，下决心尽可能不去理睬，也就是说，把它们当作不完美的方式，不属于我生活架构的一部分，不在我的哲学中有一席之地。我母亲生前能全面理解生活，常常给我引歌德的几句诗[85b] ——那是卡莱尔在多年前送给她的一本书中写的——我猜也是卡莱尔自己翻译的：
从未就着悲哀吃过面包，
从未在夜半时分饮泣
痛哭着苦等明朝，
就不懂得啊，你在天的神力[85c]。
这些诗句，尊贵的普鲁士王后，就是被拿破仑百般苛待的普鲁士王后，在羞辱与流放中曾常常引用。这些诗句，我母亲在晚年的烦恼中常常引用；我却决绝地不承认、不接受其中蕴含的巨大真理。那时还明白不了[85d]。记得很清楚我常常对她说，我不想就着悲哀吃面包，也不想有哪个夜里痛哭着苦等一个更苦的黎明。我根本不知道，那就是命运之神等着我的一个特别安排；的确，我生命中将会有整整一年，过的日子与这没什么两样。但命运就是这么派给我了；最近几个月来，经历了可怕的挣扎与磨难，才读得懂隐含在痛心疾首之后的一些功课。教士们，还有那些用警句却不带智慧的人们，有时把受苦说得很神秘。受苦其实是一种启示，让人明白以前从未明白的事理，让人从一个新的立足点去思考整个历史。关于艺术，过去凭直觉隐隐约约感到的东西，现在以心智和感情领悟了，再清晰不过地洞察了，刻骨铭心地体味了[85e]。
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