66
66
I have lain in prison for nearly two years. Out of my nature has come wild despair; an abandonment to grief that was piteous even to look at; terrible and impotent rage: bitterness and scorn: anguish that wept aloud: misery that could find no voice: sorrow that was dumb. I have passed through every possible mood of suffering. Better than Wordsworth himself I know what Wordsworth meant when he said:
Suffering is permanent, obscure, and dark
And has the nature of Infinity.[66.1]
But while there were times when I rejoiced in the idea that my sufferings were to be endless, I could not bear them to be without meaning. Now I find hidden away in my nature something that tells me that nothing in the whole world is meaningless, and suffering least of all. That something hidden away in my nature, like a treasure in a field, is Humility[66a].
我身受铁窗之苦已快两年了。在我心性的深处升起狂乱的绝望，哀绝的情状不忍卒睹：无力的暴怒、苦涩的鄙夷、欲哭无泪的哀伤、欲唤无声的苦痛、欲说无言的悲怆。人间苦情我一一尝遍了，我比华兹华斯本人更能理解他诗句的意思：
苦难悠悠，朦胧中，暗地里
原是无穷尽。
但是，想到我的苦难无穷无尽虽然有时会觉得痛快，我可不想叫自己无端去受苦。 现在我发现，藏在我心性深处有什么东西在告诉我，世界上没有什么是无意义的，而受苦是最不可能没有意义的。这个东西藏在我心性的深处，就像野地里的宝藏。它就是谦卑[66a]。
66